my comment policy

The comments on this blog are moderated, and I do that for two reasons. The first is so I don't miss any -- as much as possible I like to respond individually. The second is so I can stop mean-spirited comments before they hit the site. In the almost-year that I've been running chicken tender, I have rejected only one submitted comment. It wasn't a personal attack on me, but a broad brushstroke painted on vegans. The comment was well-intentioned, but I thought it unfair, and more than that, I didn't feel it was supportive of the environment I'm trying to create here. So I did not approve it.

No blog is a democracy, and mine is no different. Some bloggers are very tightfisted on moderation, and that is their right. But as a person who deeply loathes censorship, it would be out of character for me to behave that way. After all, it's only been through thoughtful interaction that I've done a fair 180 on almost everything I used to believe, so it wouldn't make sense to shut myself off from dissenting opinions now. But I do need to update my comment policy, and here's why.

Those of you who followed my last blog might have noticed that I shut it down rather suddenly. I'd attracted harassment that came so hard and fast that it was no longer enjoyable for me to run the site. I was spending so much time fielding comments and emails from a single person that it deeply interfered with the function of the blog. At first I tried to selectively address the relevant arguments while ignoring the personal attacks, hoping that a reasoned discussion could be salvaged. If anything that made the aggression more frenzied and malevolent, and other readers were attacked as well. In response, I deleted those comments and blocked my email, but ultimately I had to shut down the blog to put a full stop to the harassment.

I started this site a few months later, with a different vision of what I wanted to accomplish. And I've been very pleased with the results. I have amazingly kind and perceptive readers and in however small a way I hope I've created a welcoming environment for you. Coming up on the blog's one-year anniversary, I couldn't be happier with the little space I've created here. The thing is, I make a hella-ton of mistakes, and I don't hide 'em. If y'all wanted to come down on me with a ton o' bricks, you could do it. You could absolutely cream me. But you don't. You give me space to stand up and brush myself off and figure out what the hell I'm gonna do now. And I, in turn, try to do the same for you, whether in the comments, in your own personal space, or in real-life engagement.

So it is upsetting to have that bully reappear, fouling up what I've tried to keep safe and generous.

Here's the truth: I am extremely self-doubting. When others dump on me, I find it nearly impossible to rise above it. No matter how untrue it may be, a vicious comment directed my way reminds me of the disquiet I carry inside. So when it seemed these attacks would be recurring, my immediate reaction was to run away. (Not one of my finer traits, I'll grant you.)

My first thought was to shut down the blog altogether. Then I thought to simply make it private. I even took steps to make that happen, but some friends talked me down. (Thank you!) I researched blocking individual IPs, but that seems pointless. Most of all I was thinking back, and ahead to what it might be like to confront comment after comment, email after email, day after day, from a person who delights in dumping on others.

But then I stopped, for once, and thought deeply about what was happening -- what I was allowing to happen to me, and what I was about to make happen, and why.

I have been incredibly nasty, unforgiving, malicious, and self-righteous at various times in my life -- and always as a reflection of desperate self-loathing. Nothing shames me so much as to consider the judgments I've made and the bridges I've burned from that position. If there's anything I've tried to change about myself over the past few years, it's finding some inner security so I don't bleed every time someone bumps into me. And in a way, I'm glad this person reappeared in my life, because it serves as a test of this effort.

My heart still pounds, my eyes still burn, and my hands still shake when someone digs at my most shameful weaknesses. But when I take a breath and look at myself and my life, for the first time I see true well-being. How could I feel anything but blessed? How could I ever willingly return to that bitter place, much less be dragged there by someone antagonizing from their own place of unrest?

For all my fumbling, I'm on a healthy path, and I am under no obligation to let someone shit all over my beautiful life. So here are the rules if you wish to participate here.

I am no yogi, but I try to write by the yogic principles for mindful speech. The questions are,

Is it necessary?
Is it truthful?
Is it kind?

You might guess that I have a flexible definition of necessary! I do like to run off at the mouth. But I try very hard to speak my truth here without making truth claims. In other words, I try to share my feelings and experiences without drawing too many definitive, black & white conclusions. This last requires a measure of kindness that is, I admit, difficult for me. I have very strong feelings that I've had to learn to temper so as to have meaningful discussion. This is a process, and I thank you kindly for your patience while I learn.

What I ask from you is that you consider these guidelines as you comment.

Is it necessary?
Is it truthful?
Is it kind?

My definition of necessary is just as flexible for you. But there are any number of comments you could make that might be truthful to you but are not kind. In that event I would not ask that you remain silent, but instead to make an effort to couch your feelings in positive language. If you come in guns a-blazin', it's not fair to expect any response at all, much less a positive one.

After all, there's a real person sitting at this computer. I deserve to be treated as such, as does every single person who reads and comments here. I know very well how tempting it is to abuse the anonymity of the Internet and spout off in a way you'd never speak in person, so I'd ask that you consider the way you communicate "in real life" and try to be human like that here.

Unkind comments -- by which I mean statements that are untruthful or cruel, personal attacks or name-calling, broad stereotypes or bigotry, or general disrespect, which might be defined as repetitious insistence with a demonstrated lack of willingness to listen and learn -- will be rejected on the spot. More than one such comment and you'll be moderated as spam -- and there is no third strike from the black hole of the spam folder.

Hopefully this seems fair to you. If you have any questions, you can email me. Thank you!